God, Angels and motivation.

A few months ago after recieving a nice windfall called tax returns, I thought I would buy the supplement drops of a diet not widely known about called the HCG diet.

They weren't cheap by any means. But I still got a fairly good deal because of Mothers Day. Buy one get one half off. All in all it cost me just about $450.

After I recieved them in the mail, they made a nice little display on my bookshelf, as I was... lets see... to nervous, uneducated, and very much so was I unmotivated to try them. Because afterall who really believes they can sustain life as normal on a 500 calorie a day diet, right?

Well during this time that these supplement drops remained on my book shelf, I would tell myself I was going to start any day, I just had to wait for this event, and that party, and so on and so forth to be over with. Again this shows my lack of motivation.

I was so excited to lose the promised 1-2 lbs a day as promised by the web site and others I knew who had tried the diet. But at the same time I had so many excuses as to why I couldn't start it right away. Did I mention that I was unmotivated?

Then one day I was visiting with an incredible friend who though talking on a completely different subject said, "There will always be an excuse or reason not to do something. That's why you just have to leave it all behind and just go for it."

GREAT advice, and it struck a cord with me, and my struggles to start this new diet. Was it just the thing to get me motivated? Not quite. But I did use the advice to call my satalite TV provider and wheel and deal them down to giving me a package with a much lower price! But yet again not quite motivated to start my diet.

Then that same amazing friend of mine was talking to me about a book she was reading on our way back from a meeting in SLC. She wasn't speaking of my diet yet again, but her knowledge of things spiritual has always profound me. She was telling me how there are Angels all around us just waiting for us to give them a task to do. But it requires faith and without asking them to do it. Rather you thank them as if they had already done what you needed.

For example a lady in the book was looking for discount tickets to take her family to Disney Land. She approached her Angels in prayer and thanked them for finding her tickets to Disney Land at a discounted rate. Then she just left it up to the Angels and forgot about it. A few weeks later she got a call from a distant friend who happened to have discounted tickets that she and her family couldn't use, and wondered if this lady would like to have them for her family.

All this because this lady petitioned the idea, and her faith out to her Angels,(without saying she NEEDED them ) and just left it alone after that.

Well, to get to my point, I decided to try this very thing, only I petitioned the help of my Angels and I thanked them for the motivation and the strength to start my diet and follow through without cheating.

And guess what? The next day, I started (my diet) without a worry. I did the cleanse part first, which basically you can only eat vegetables and grains, like oatmeal or quinio.

I decided the reason they have you do a cleanse first (for a whole week) is so that you can know how bad you really could have it!

Then while at a family reunion I did my 2 load day's which basically means I eat everything that is fattening and loaded with calories all day until I feel like I am going to puke! This is m,eant to help you through your first week on the 500 calorie part of the diet.

So I started the my 500 calorie days on Monday June 21. I have been very good, I havent cheated once! It is now Thursday August 5, and I have lost........ Drumroll please............................................

45 lbs!!!

I couldn't have done it without the strength I recieved from my Heavenly Father and his Heavenly Angels! Not to mention some good advice from a wise and amazing friend!

I finish this round of dieting in about a week, in which I hope to have lost a total of 50 lbs. I then have three weeks of maintanence, where I can't have sugar or starch's. and then another three weeks of eating what I like. And then I can start another round, in which I hope to lose another 50 lbs.

Remember at the beginning of this blog I said I weighed 335 lbs. well I am now 290 lbs.

Thanks to all who have been following this blog, and I will keep you posted!

I had an 'A-HA" moment...

Ok, so have you ever watched Oprah and seen how she is always commenting on how she has "A-HA" moments. Well I was watching her show on where our food really comes from, and I had an "A-HA" moment. I am going to obviously blog about the show but here is the link so that you can read the transcript from the show including pictures. http://www.oprah.com/oprahshow/The-Truth-About-Food-with-Michael-Pollan

So basically the show goes into the "Farm" production of food like Chicken and beef and the vegetables we eat, and where they really come from.

When we walk through the store we are sold on visual lies. We see pictures of quaint little farms with the big red barns and "Happy Cows" grazing in a pastuer, and chicken pecking in a fenced but free roam area, with no care in the world. We like to see this image, it makes us feel like everything is right in the world, or at least with our food.

But it is NOT! Michael Pollan reveals in his documentary "FOOD,INC." where our food really comes from. He reveals how we have become so demanding that chickens are no longer aloud to grow the ussual 3 months before they become our healthy sunday dinner. Instead they are pumped full of steroids and antibiotics and growth hormones so that they are "mature" enough for the slaughter in a mere 33 days. All so that we can have chicken for dinner every night of the week if we wished.

Now I have no plans to become a vegetarian, but I literally cried when I saw what happens to these chickens when they are forced to grow so big so fast. First they are jam packed into a sunless, damp and dirty chicken coop with feces deep on the ground and hardly an inch to move between themselves. Then they are fed growth hormones and steroids for rapid growth and antibiotics to try and counteract their dirty enviroment. Then they grow so quickly that their internal organs and their bones can't keep up with the amount of fat that they are forced to carry around. They struggle to breath and are unable to take more than two or three steps before they have to lie down again.

I still believe that these animals are here for our needs and sustenance, but I also believe that they should be given a full life for the amount of time they are alive. It breaks my heart that these chickens know nothing but a miserable existence. I know that this isn't how God intended them to live!

Cows too are forced into rapid growth, same as with chickens they are fed growth hormones, steroids and antibiotics. But they are mainly fed corn with only bits of grass mixed in. Cows are made and meant to feed on grass. Corn holds no caloric base for cattle, but fattens them quickly. Thusly they become sick quite easily and thus the reasons for the antibiotics.

Humans use only 3 million pounds of antibiotics a year, while 28 million pounds are fed to our livestock!

Back in the seventy's the top five beef packers controlled only 25% of the beef market. Today the top 4 beef packers control more than 80% of the beef market. They are deciding how our food should be raised and in turn are pretty much deciding how we are going to eat.

It's not just our livestock, our vegetables are being subjected to chemicals and pesticides, you wouldn't dream of eating let alone feed your kids. Tomatoes for example have been reengineered to grow quickly, they are pumped with growth hormones, sprayed with pesticides and then picked while still green. They are then shipped to your stores distribution center, where they are sprayed with argon gas (one of the main ingredients in rat poison) so that they turn that red color that tells us that they are supposed to be ripe. So if you have ever wondered why a store bought tomato has a weaker flavor than that of the home grown variety, now you know why.

There are no seasons in our American grocery stores! Now a days what would have been "out of season" even 20 years ago, is available at you nearest grocery store. Now I am not knocking on our import, export system, but at what price are we really willing to pay to have strawberries, tomatoes, and grapes all year long?

In the last 50 years we have reached great strides in the production of food, but we have also reached unthinkable hieghts and growth in food caused illnesses, such as type 2 Diabetes and morbid obesity. The occurance of cancer has also grown ginormously in the last 50 years.

The food industry will try to tell you that all these chemicals they are feeding our livestock and pumping into our vegetables is not transferable to us through what we eat. But think about it, they kill off entire herds of cattle because one cow gets sick with the "mad cow" disease. Even if none of the other cows were sick, they would kill them amyways for fear that that bacteria or virus would become part of our food. So what's to keep those chemicals from sticking around and embedding themselves deep into our meat and vegetables.

Or you could think about it this way. As a woman you are told not to breast feed when you have been taking drugs (prescribed or otherwise) that might be dangerous for your precious child because even a trace amount could get into your milk and hurt your child. Who's to say that it is not the same for our cows and what they are fed.

Now you are probably thinking "Crap! Now what am I supposed to eat."

Of course an obvious alternative is to go organic. "But that is so expensive" you say. And it is true, it is expensive to go organic. Oprah followed a family who was at the grocery store discussing what they were going to eat. The mom said that it was more convienent and cheaper to buy two already made humburgers from a fast food resturant for a dollar than it was to go to the store and get only one pear for that same dollar. SO the natural tendancy is to turn to the junk food aisle, and grab a bag of chips.

"A lot of what you see in the supermarket I would argue is not really food," Michael says. "It's what I call edible, food-like substances."
"We spend less on our food than any people who have ever lived, than any people anywhere on earth—9.5 percent of our income."
Michael goes on to say, "When I was a boy in nineteen sixty we spent 18% of our income on food, 5% of national income on health care. Fast forward to today, 9% of our income on food, 17% of national income on health care. The less we spend on food the more we spend on health care. Who would you rather pay?"

Here are three of Michael Pollans rules to eating and buying food (from his best selling book "Food Rules")

#1 Don't buy anything that your great-grandmother wouldn't recognize as food.
ex: Portable Yogurt tubes, is it toothpaste? is it food? How do I get into my body?...

#2 Only buy food that will eventually rot
ex: little spongy cream filled yellow cakes wrapped in celofane that are just as spongy five years after you bought them as they were the day you bought them.

#3 Only eat junk food you make yourself.
ex: Homemade french fries are good, but how often are you willing to go through all the trouble of making them. Maybe once a month or every few weeks.

Well, I am sure that I can go on and on about the show and what I learned. I hope you learned something as well by reading this. Now about how this is going to help me in my quest for skinny. I am going to be way more careful about what I choose to eat. Knowing that processed food is the leading cause to obesity and cancer and type 2 diabetes, will help me choose more wisely.
My family has also made a pact to try and eat more organic food and natural foods. As a family we are going to start to "lean in" in to more healthy alternatives to sugar and "lean out" of the unhealthy state of our current food decisions.
My mom once told me "Knowledge is power" and I truly believe that!

Now just one more thought to leave you with before I go.

Isn't it funny how since the no-fat, low-fat kick started we as a people have gotten fatter!

Thanks for reading!
Sincerely, Aimee

OK, Here we go...

OK, here we go...
I am starting this Blog basically as a forum to vent my frustrations at being FAT!!!
That's right, I said it. I AM FAT!
There really is no getting around it. I know I am Fat, you know I am Fat, so stop lying to me by saying, "Your not Fat, Your pleasingly plump," or "Your not Fat , your just big boned."
Or any other form of saying, "Face it girl, YOUR FAT!"
Lets lay all the facts on the line.
I am a 28 year old female, I stand at 5 feet 5 inches tall and I weigh in at a whopping 320 lbs!
I am not just Fat, I am MORBIDLY OBESE!
I've been told I have a pretty face, that's great! I mean I do happen to like my eyes, and I have the kind of full lips that most girls dream of having.
But what good is it having a "pretty face" when that is not the first thing people notice about me?

I wish this world wasn't so fixated on appearances, but since we are facing the facts here...

Besides I have been big most of my life, at least since I entered puberty. I remember being a size 16 when I was 16. I remember crying when they weighed all us girls in sixth grade gym, and I was the only girl to weigh in at 100 lbs! Throughout high school I always seemed to weigh 15 to 20 lbs more than my older brother.

Honestly I am just tired of it!

The worst of it is, is that I have not been one of those overeating, lay around the house type of Fat person. Well at least not until most recently when I lost my job.

I eat the same sized portions as any normal person, and I never go back for seconds.
When I was working I spent a good portion of my day on my feet.
I live in a very remote rural city, 55 miles away from anything, including the nearest gym.
Walking has never done much good for me... Believe me I have tried, and tried, and tried! Besides it is winter right now, and we are looking at below zero temps most of the time.
No, the best form of excersize for me was always swimming, but as I said 55 miles to the nearest gym (with a pool).
Oh and did I mention $500 a year just to have a membership to this gym?

Now that I am not working, it literally feels like I am ballooning, though the scale doesn't seem to think so.
I have never been so hungry, as I have been in these last couple of days. Especially at dinner time, I eat way more than ever.
I know what your thinking... I am depressed, so naturally I am turning to food to ease my pain.
But I don't really think that's it.
I know a bit about the ins and outs of depression, I used to work in a mental hospital.
I can go all day, eating no breakfast (I know, I know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But I am just not hungry when I wake up.) Having a normal lunch, and no snacking. But lately Dinner rolls around and I am ravenous! It's just me and my son through out the day, which you think would be the easiest time for me to overeat, but NO, it doesn't hit me until my husband gets home.
And it has never been like this before! My husband who is a skinny twig of a man, normally eats two times more than me! Now I feel like my body is trying to compete in an eating triathilon with his body! What is up with that?!
It's not as if I didn't have a massive Fat complex before, and now my body is trying to meet that complex with my eating too!

UUUUGH!!!

I have fought with my self esteem for years. I went through a stage where I felt like, why should I care about myself, when apparently nobody else does (obvioulsy my teenage, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm going to go eat worms, phase.) Then I went through an I don't care what anybody thinks of me phase (18-20) Then I got married, felt on top of the world and then knocked on my a**, when my Husband didn't seem much interested in me sexually. This went on until about a year ago, when I decided that if he couldn't love me for who I am, then it was time for me to move on. So I grew some balls and began to plan my exit from my marriage. Surprisingly as I was making plans to move out and divorce my husband, I gained quite a bit of confidence in myself, which in return really turned my husband on sexually towards me.
Now I didn't automatically jump in the sack with him. I was still angry with him and didn't really feel like being intimate. But after a time of his overwhelming and uncharacteristic sweetness, I gave in. And I haven't regreted it since. Though I did tell him how close he came to losing me permanently, which seemed to have spured a desire for change in him.
Do I believe that the change is permanent? Well, I guess that is yet to be seen.
Do I trust him to keep his word? Not entirely. He's going to really have to show me through his actions that he can be trusted.
Meanwhile, I have lost some of that confidence I had before I chose to give him one more chance. And I have to wonder if I made the right choice. I lost some Fat during my confident period. Not necessarily in weight, but I lost inches in my arms and some in my stomache.

Now that my confidence is weigning, my hunger is increasing, and I am afraid I am going to just gain it all back.

I started this Blog because I was laying in bed worrying about an upcoming audition for the play "The Importance Of Being Ernest". I love acting to my very core, but I have to worry that because of my size, I won't be casted in any of the parts, no matter how well my audition goes, because of societies views on how the characters should look.

I just finished doing "My Fair Lady" where I played the part of Mrs. Pierce the head House Keeper. It was a decent roll. But no more than I expected out of the director who undoubtedly felt that he would be scorned out of the theater if he had dared to cast a Fat Eliza. I say this not only because of my feelings, but also because every other dear soul in the play agreed that I would have been better in the part of Eliza, then the assistant director who casted herself as Eliza (and what a horrid Eliza she was too!).

This time a dear friend of mine is directing. He says his only concern with me is whether or not I can pull off a believeable English Accent. But even if I can, and believe me I will do my very best to sound like a proper English Gentlelady, I still worry that my weight will come into question when he is ready to make his final casting decision. I will hold no ill feeling towards him if I truly do not fit the part, but I wont be any less upset with myself for not having the Body type he needed for the show.

I'm hoping that by keeping this Blog I can maybe spurr myself into any kind of action to change my current situation. That is if I can be any better at keeping this blog than I am at keeping a journal.

I wish I could just have the easy(ish) fix of the Gastric Bypass or Lap-Band surgery. But that requires insurance and money, neither of which I currently have.

Life doesn't work that way for me.

Who knows maybe I can help someone else on this journey of ranting and raving, that might lead to an eventual fix, or realization I have not had yet.
Or maybe I'll just make some friends who know exactly what I am talking about.
Or maybe nobody else will read this blog, and all it will be is my personal friend and confidante, through this harrowing journey through the Land of the Living Lard.