OK, Here we go...

OK, here we go...
I am starting this Blog basically as a forum to vent my frustrations at being FAT!!!
That's right, I said it. I AM FAT!
There really is no getting around it. I know I am Fat, you know I am Fat, so stop lying to me by saying, "Your not Fat, Your pleasingly plump," or "Your not Fat , your just big boned."
Or any other form of saying, "Face it girl, YOUR FAT!"
Lets lay all the facts on the line.
I am a 28 year old female, I stand at 5 feet 5 inches tall and I weigh in at a whopping 320 lbs!
I am not just Fat, I am MORBIDLY OBESE!
I've been told I have a pretty face, that's great! I mean I do happen to like my eyes, and I have the kind of full lips that most girls dream of having.
But what good is it having a "pretty face" when that is not the first thing people notice about me?

I wish this world wasn't so fixated on appearances, but since we are facing the facts here...

Besides I have been big most of my life, at least since I entered puberty. I remember being a size 16 when I was 16. I remember crying when they weighed all us girls in sixth grade gym, and I was the only girl to weigh in at 100 lbs! Throughout high school I always seemed to weigh 15 to 20 lbs more than my older brother.

Honestly I am just tired of it!

The worst of it is, is that I have not been one of those overeating, lay around the house type of Fat person. Well at least not until most recently when I lost my job.

I eat the same sized portions as any normal person, and I never go back for seconds.
When I was working I spent a good portion of my day on my feet.
I live in a very remote rural city, 55 miles away from anything, including the nearest gym.
Walking has never done much good for me... Believe me I have tried, and tried, and tried! Besides it is winter right now, and we are looking at below zero temps most of the time.
No, the best form of excersize for me was always swimming, but as I said 55 miles to the nearest gym (with a pool).
Oh and did I mention $500 a year just to have a membership to this gym?

Now that I am not working, it literally feels like I am ballooning, though the scale doesn't seem to think so.
I have never been so hungry, as I have been in these last couple of days. Especially at dinner time, I eat way more than ever.
I know what your thinking... I am depressed, so naturally I am turning to food to ease my pain.
But I don't really think that's it.
I know a bit about the ins and outs of depression, I used to work in a mental hospital.
I can go all day, eating no breakfast (I know, I know, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. But I am just not hungry when I wake up.) Having a normal lunch, and no snacking. But lately Dinner rolls around and I am ravenous! It's just me and my son through out the day, which you think would be the easiest time for me to overeat, but NO, it doesn't hit me until my husband gets home.
And it has never been like this before! My husband who is a skinny twig of a man, normally eats two times more than me! Now I feel like my body is trying to compete in an eating triathilon with his body! What is up with that?!
It's not as if I didn't have a massive Fat complex before, and now my body is trying to meet that complex with my eating too!

UUUUGH!!!

I have fought with my self esteem for years. I went through a stage where I felt like, why should I care about myself, when apparently nobody else does (obvioulsy my teenage, nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm going to go eat worms, phase.) Then I went through an I don't care what anybody thinks of me phase (18-20) Then I got married, felt on top of the world and then knocked on my a**, when my Husband didn't seem much interested in me sexually. This went on until about a year ago, when I decided that if he couldn't love me for who I am, then it was time for me to move on. So I grew some balls and began to plan my exit from my marriage. Surprisingly as I was making plans to move out and divorce my husband, I gained quite a bit of confidence in myself, which in return really turned my husband on sexually towards me.
Now I didn't automatically jump in the sack with him. I was still angry with him and didn't really feel like being intimate. But after a time of his overwhelming and uncharacteristic sweetness, I gave in. And I haven't regreted it since. Though I did tell him how close he came to losing me permanently, which seemed to have spured a desire for change in him.
Do I believe that the change is permanent? Well, I guess that is yet to be seen.
Do I trust him to keep his word? Not entirely. He's going to really have to show me through his actions that he can be trusted.
Meanwhile, I have lost some of that confidence I had before I chose to give him one more chance. And I have to wonder if I made the right choice. I lost some Fat during my confident period. Not necessarily in weight, but I lost inches in my arms and some in my stomache.

Now that my confidence is weigning, my hunger is increasing, and I am afraid I am going to just gain it all back.

I started this Blog because I was laying in bed worrying about an upcoming audition for the play "The Importance Of Being Ernest". I love acting to my very core, but I have to worry that because of my size, I won't be casted in any of the parts, no matter how well my audition goes, because of societies views on how the characters should look.

I just finished doing "My Fair Lady" where I played the part of Mrs. Pierce the head House Keeper. It was a decent roll. But no more than I expected out of the director who undoubtedly felt that he would be scorned out of the theater if he had dared to cast a Fat Eliza. I say this not only because of my feelings, but also because every other dear soul in the play agreed that I would have been better in the part of Eliza, then the assistant director who casted herself as Eliza (and what a horrid Eliza she was too!).

This time a dear friend of mine is directing. He says his only concern with me is whether or not I can pull off a believeable English Accent. But even if I can, and believe me I will do my very best to sound like a proper English Gentlelady, I still worry that my weight will come into question when he is ready to make his final casting decision. I will hold no ill feeling towards him if I truly do not fit the part, but I wont be any less upset with myself for not having the Body type he needed for the show.

I'm hoping that by keeping this Blog I can maybe spurr myself into any kind of action to change my current situation. That is if I can be any better at keeping this blog than I am at keeping a journal.

I wish I could just have the easy(ish) fix of the Gastric Bypass or Lap-Band surgery. But that requires insurance and money, neither of which I currently have.

Life doesn't work that way for me.

Who knows maybe I can help someone else on this journey of ranting and raving, that might lead to an eventual fix, or realization I have not had yet.
Or maybe I'll just make some friends who know exactly what I am talking about.
Or maybe nobody else will read this blog, and all it will be is my personal friend and confidante, through this harrowing journey through the Land of the Living Lard.